keep the doors wide open

I find I am in a reflective time- the period between Sept 25th, when we left portland , the two weeks we spent on the road and our arrival here in southern Mexico on Oct 10th. It was so much more then a trip. It was the culmination of a five year plan, much preparation and psychic re-arranging. After lots of purging of possessions, many, many goodbyes and enormous financial changes we were ready both physically and mentally. There was a brief moment as we hit the freeway on ramp my head screamed " what are you doing?!!" but it blew out the window and i settled in for an adventure.
I keep picturing the seemingly endless miles of nothing. Days of scenery that never changed. I was pondering that today while i was in my back yard hacking palm fronds with a machete. It struck me how life is like that sometimes. I clearly remember being so sad that my life seemed like a bad movie being played over and over, endlessly looping back on itself. Not only did the scenery never change, i had no hope that it ever would until it ended. The most horrifying thought was that it wouldn't end for a long time.
Luckily, i experienced some major life changes including the epiphony that i had some say in how my life went. Not only could i make choices, i didn't have to be a victim of the outcome. I also learned if i made a choice that wasnt good...i could change my mind! I acquired two vitally important tools- self esteem and perspective. I also developed a point of view that was bigger than myself. I realized i truly am a part of a much larger picture and i can add to it in a positive way or big a bug on the worlds windshield.
The freedom that i have in my life today, the freedom to enjoy my life today, is amazing. That trip down with it's endlessly empty vistas was just part of the journey to get here. Eventually the view changed. We emerged from a vast nothingness to endless variety- acres and acres of sunflowers as far as the eye could see , vast jungles and rainforests where we expected gorillas to come crashing out. We saw roadside communities reminiscent of Mad Max where burning barrels spewed black smoke and greasy men weilded enormous tools trying to fix trucks that were new in the 50's . We passed over country that had been hit by a hurricane and slowly navigated washed out bridges, roads half erased by mudslides and relatively new freeways that were so full of axle breaking pot holes we thought they had been bombed.
Had we, at some point, just stopped, thinking 'its too ugly, I can't go on. I can't look at this anymore" we would have missed it and we never would have gotten to our destination. Sometimes, you end up on a road where there is nothing for as far as the eye can see, but thats OUR eye. Sometimes there is something a little further on, something we just can't see yet. We consult our map, ask directions and head on to our destination. Sometimes detours happen and what seemed like a big waste of time and gas, turns out to be one of your favorite parts of the trip. I don't think we are meant to know our entire path or why we go one way instead of another, our job is be present on the journey. Our journey brought us to a magical place with warm winds, tropical birds a new language. I have people that help me when i need it, i have keys to a couple of buildings in the city and two of my neighbors homes. I am trusted and cared about. I am here with a man I've been with for 32 years and we still like each other most of the time. Who knows where the path leads from here. It's my job, and my pleasure, to keep the doors open to possibilities and proceed with grace. Jackson Brown says " sometime between the time you arrive and the time you go, there may be a reason you were here but you'll never know". I don't need to know.